In a world that celebrates the constant hustle, rest often becomes an afterthought — something we only try to squeeze into the rare moments when work finally lets up. But here’s the catch: if you’ve been putting off all forms of rest until the stars align to give you some downtime, you might find yourself too burnt out to actually enjoy it.

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The problem runs deep. In Toxic Productivity, psychotherapist Israa Nasir explains that we’ve been conditioned since childhood to view rest as something that must be earned. Remember hearing “Finish your homework, then you can play,” or “Do your chores before watching TV”? These early messages teach us to see rest and joy as rewards rather than necessities, and manifest in adults associating rest with laziness or a lack of dedication to one’s work or goals.

When we try to bank all of our rest for designated breaks, we often end up sabotaging ourselves. Dr. Natalie Dattilo-Ryan, a clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School, points out that there is constant pressure to “maximize” even our rest time. This pressure can actually make breaks less restful — especially if we’ve run ourselves ragged leading up to them. Working extra hard to “earn” our time off or scramble to arrange logistics creates stress, and over time, our nervous systems adapt to this heightened state. As Dr. Dattilo-Ryan explains, “You might be doing things to replenish yourself, but you were so drained to begin with, you may not have enough time off to make it back to even.”

The same pattern affects how we spend time with loved ones. Informal social interactions have been replaced by scheduled activities, usually away from home, with clear start and end times. Instead of lingering conversations around your grandmother’s kitchen table or sharing laughs with childhood friends sprawled across a couch, we’ve transformed socializing into calendar events we carefully fit in weeks in advance, leaving little room for spontaneity.

Several factors have gradually pushed out these informal social interactions. “Loose, liminal time with others used to be baked into life,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist. “It’s been slowly wedged out thanks to smartphones, go-go-go lifestyles, a fiercely individualistic society, and a host of other cultural shifts.” But that’s not all. “The pressure to be productive — whether in work, school, or your personal life — has led to a culture where every minute must be accounted for, and downtime is often viewed as wasteful.”

The good news is that we can make both rest and connection more meaningful by approaching them differently. Instead of putting all our hopes on occasional breaks, we can build restorative practices into our daily lives. Dr. Dattilo-Ryan suggests using what she calls the ESCAPE method — exercise, sleep, connection, appreciation, pleasure/play, and moments to exhale — into our regular routines. This might mean spending a few extra minutes chatting with your partner or friend, savoring a cup of coffee without scrolling through your phone, or simply taking a quiet walk without podcasts or music.

When it comes to time off, setting realistic expectations can make a huge difference. Rather than loading up your break with activities, try choosing just one meaningful “anchor” activity for any week off. Ease into your downtime by delegating tasks at work beforehand instead of spending longer hours trying to “earn” your time off, and to plan for a gentle transition back to regular life afterward. During quality time with friends and family, creating phone-free zones or time blocks can help you feel more attentive, as research shows that even having phones visible can reduce the quality of conversations and connections.

Shifting our mindset about both rest and social time may be the most important part. They’re not rewards to be earned or activities that need to be perfectly optimized — spending time with one another or taking time to decompress are fundamental human needs that deserve space in our daily lives. If you’re used to relying on your calendar and scheduling every commitment, unstructured time may feel strange at first.

You might experience anxiety about not being “productive enough” or feel guilty about taking it easy. Author and Bregman Partners CEO Peter Bregman wrote in the Harvard Business Review that letting yourself “feel the stress of not getting things done, or the fear of missing out as people around you produce and network and market.” But you shouldn’t give into those feelings — you should confront them. “Trust that something important is happening — that there is something good on the other side,” says Bregman.

Forget mindfulness, be unproductive. “Allow yourself time out of time,” wrote Bregman. Mindfulness, focusing your awareness on the present moment, is another form of structured or scheduled rest: “That’s just more control, more pressure, more demand… When you relax the demand on your time and your thinking, you’re slowing down, reducing the load, and leaving space for feelings to come up.”

But “doing nothing” doesn’t mean literal inactivity. It’s about approaching activities without rigid goals or expectations, especially when done with others — the activity itself becomes secondary to the connection it enables. By giving ourselves permission to rest and connect regularly in these casual ways, rather than saving it all for designated breaks or formal gatherings, we can create a more sustainable and fulfilling way of living that honors both our need for productivity and need for genuine human connection.