{"id":582214,"date":"2023-03-03T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-03-03T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/enterpriseam.com\/egypt\/2023\/03\/03\/stop-calling-me-for-redacted-sake\/"},"modified":"2023-03-03T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2023-03-03T00:00:00","slug":"stop-calling-me-for-redacted-sake","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/enterpriseam.com\/egypt\/2023\/03\/03\/stop-calling-me-for-redacted-sake\/","title":{"rendered":"Stop calling me, for [redacted] sake"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/span>An argument with the Resident 15-Year-Old is an all-consuming event.<\/span> The <\/span>only way you st<\/span>and a chance of winning is by maintaining absolute, laser-like focus as the young sophist tries to tie you in knots. Don\u2019t believe me? This is a kid who at age six mounted a campaign to convince the middle school principal to let her transfer immediately to the MS. Rather than dismissing my ambitious expansionist, the wonderful Mr. Bailey started a debate with her \u2014 a debate that sharpened her innately argumentative nature at a young age. We\u2019ve been paying the price ever since. <\/span><\/p>\n

In the years since, my central nervous system has trained itself to tune out every <\/span>distraction when I\u2019m mid-argument. <\/span>Every distraction except: <\/span><\/p>\n

The one and only Mme. Mervat<\/span>, a telemarketer for an ins. company and the sprit animal of <\/span>Phoebe Buffay during her stint as a telemarketer selling toner<\/a><\/span>, trying to make a sale to Earl, the suicidal supply manager (played by Seinfeld\u2019s Jason Alexander). Mme. Mervat is as persistent, as strong willed, and every bit as much a go-getter as our quirky fictional friend. <\/span><\/p>\n

Mme. Mervat lives by the mantra of Phoebe\u2019s supervisor:<\/span> <\/span>\u201cThey\u2019re always going to tell you that they don\u2019t need toner, but that\u2019s okay. Because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in the script.\u201d If you\u2019ve lived here long enough, you know that Egyptians are born script writers. Comic, horror \u2014 name a genre and we\u2019re great at it. And we have an answer for everything, too. <\/span><\/p>\n

What you say:<\/span> No, thanks. I\u2019m not interested. <\/span><\/p>\n

What Mme. Mervat and her buddies hear:<\/span> Bring it on, [redacted].<\/span><\/p>\n

Phoebe eventually tries to save Earl, but Mme. Mervat? Her end game seems different. <\/span>I\u2019m convinced her senseless, endless, relentless calls are meant to drive me over the edge. It\u2019s a sales logic that boils down to: I\u2019ll take good care of your family after you kick the bucket, so just buy the [redacted] ins. policy.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ins. Bank loans. Real estate in the new capital. A special in-store sale just for you. <\/span>Whether it\u2019s incessant calls or robo-messages via SMS (and now, increasingly, WhatsApp), there\u2019s nobody with an Egyptian phone number who isn\u2019t harassed around the clock \u2014 all while our four mobile network operators laugh all the way to the bank.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mme. Mervat has become my ET \u2014 but this guest doesn\u2019t want to phone home to go <\/span>back to her home planet. <\/span>No, friends: She\u2019s<\/span> made me the planet she orbits. If I ignore her call, she\u2019ll call again. Hang up on her and you unleash her inner beast. Yell at her (\u201cNo, I\u2019m not interested, dammit\u201d) and she\u2019ll just redouble her pursuit. Block her, she\u2019ll call from a different number. And even if you triumphantly get rid of her, a clone will reach out to hit you the next day. I\u2019m starting to think my only way out is sweet surrender. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m also starting to hate my phone.<\/span> My husband can use it to track me. Angry friends and <\/span>bored fami<\/span>ly members can leave me 10 missed calls just for the fun of it. And now I need the harassment of telemarketers? <\/span>I\u2019m not asking for world peace here.<\/span> All I want is to sit, in the peace of my own living room, minding my own business, enjoying an almond croissant from <\/span>Ratios<\/a><\/span>, without the fear of my phone and head simultaneously exploding with \u201cLet us sell you something\u201d messages and calls.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

None of us are safe. <\/span>My friend just sold her unit in a compound \u2014 and has been stalked every <\/span>day since by folks trying to sell her real estate. \u201cIt\u2019s <\/span>Groundhog Day<\/a><\/span> every single damn day. Now I\u2019m scared whenever my phone rings. It feels like they\u2019re out to get me \u2014 and I\u2019m not leading them on. I usually start the conversation with a blunt, \u2018No, thank you, I\u2019m broke.\u2019 They think I\u2019m hilarious.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been taught that a no means no <\/span>\u2014 and it should apply to telemarketing as much as <\/span>[redacted] <\/span>harassment. Ironically, I can scare the [redacted] out of a pervert in the street and send him running, his tail tucked between his legs. But a telemarketer? That\u2019s an unstoppable force of nature. <\/span><\/p>\n

Go now and check your messages \u2014 how many are sitting there unread in the past day <\/span>or two? Six? A full dozen? <\/span>I\u2019m so grateful to know that \u201cThe Cafex Event\u201d (whatever the hell that is) is just around the corner. And that Kashier \u2014 bless him, her, or it \u2014 can\u2019t wait to introduce me to its latest payment solution. What the hell is a payment solution? Kashier, who gave you my number? Do you even have a target audience? Because I\u2019m certainly not it. <\/span><\/p>\n

At least my loyal friends at Rush Brush know I\u2019m a woman and are (presumably?) <\/span>banking on my having a full head of hair.<\/span> It hurts me to say that they send me more messages than my husband, daughter and immediate relatives combined. But I still don\u2019t know to this day if they\u2019re selling me a drybrush, hairbrush or a toilet brush.<\/span><\/p>\n

Look, I love to buy \u2014 I just don\u2019t enjoy being sold. <\/span>The majority of telemarketers buy phone <\/span>numbers from third-party data providers \u2014 and the rest is history. Every time you disclose your personal information to a source, you open the door for them to sell and resell your info. Whether it\u2019s moral or not \u2014 lawful or not \u2014 isn\u2019t something they pause to ask for a second. <\/span><\/p>\n

Telemarketing \u2014 calls and unwanted messages alike \u2014 is here to stay, and maybe it\u2019s <\/span>time our elected officials do something about it. <\/span>It\u2019s not like they would want for legislative inspiration if they were to look into it. <\/span><\/p>\n

In the United States and Canada, telemarketers are subject to penalties under legislation <\/span>and regulatory regimes such as the <\/span>Telephone Consumer Protection Act (TCPA, pdf)<\/a><\/span>. In the US, the TCPA sets out details on calls they deem unlawful and restricts telemarketers from making annoying sales calls to consumers. Even better, it requires telemarketers not to contact people without their consent. The law applies to home phones, cell phones, text messages \u2014 even fax machines (for the dozen people still using them). Under it, telemarketers can make calls only between 8am and 9pm \u2014 and if you tell them never to call you again, they have to listen. <\/span><\/p>\n

Better than Santa\u2019s Christmas list is the Do Not Call Registry list <\/span>\u2014 every telemarketer\u2019s <\/span>nightmare. In <\/span>the US<\/a><\/span> and <\/span>Canada<\/a><\/span>, you can sign up and let the buggers know never to call you again. Only organizations such as political parties, newspapers, non-profits, charities and pollsters get exemptions \u2014 <\/span>and violators get fines. <\/span><\/p>\n

(We suggest our MPs consider putting some limits on charities, too. They call and call. You cave <\/span>and donate. They call again and want even more. You\u2019ll soon need a little charity yourself if you\u2019re to keep up with all the requests for donations.)<\/span><\/p>\n

With three quarters of all Americans now on the registry, the program was apparently <\/span>wildly popular <\/span>\u2014<\/span> a national scream for help that echoed around the world.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because it\u2019s not just in the West: Our beautiful neighbors in Abu Dhabi <\/span>created their own<\/a><\/span>do-not-call registry<\/a><\/span> in September 2022. As happy as we are for them, we\u2019re waiting for the ripple effect to hit our shores.<\/span><\/p>\n

An Egyptian do-not-call registry would be a win-win situation, in my humble opinion. <\/span>Screening out consumers who don\u2019t want to be contacted would help telemarketers operate more efficiently instead of wasting their time on others. And God knows their staff \u2014 the poor wretches \u2014 would probably meet with a bit less verbal abuse. <\/span><\/p>\n

In the meantime, <\/span>I\u2019m going to take a page out of Jerry Seinfeld\u2019s book<\/a><\/span> <\/span>and ask Mme. <\/span>Mervat, the next time she calls, for her personal mobile number.<\/span><\/p>\n

Telemarketer:<\/span> Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service?<\/span><\/p>\n

Jerry:<\/span> Oh, gee. I can\u2019t talk right now. Why don\u2019t you give me your home number, and I\u2019ll call you <\/span>later?<\/span><\/p>\n

Telemarketer:<\/span> Uh, well I\u2019m sorry, we\u2019re not allowed to do that.<\/span><\/p>\n

Jerry:<\/span> Oh, I guess you don\u2019t want people calling you at home.<\/span><\/p>\n

Telemarketer:<\/span> No<\/span><\/p>\n

Jerry:<\/span> Well, now you know how I feel.<\/span><\/p>\n

[hangs up]<\/span><\/p>\n

Sorry, guys. Nothing personal.<\/span> Or as Billy Crystal as Dr Ben Sobel once said, \u201cDon\u2019t kid <\/span>yourself, Jelly. It doesn\u2019t get more personal than this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

ANALYZE THIS is a regular Enterprise Weekend column by the Mother of the Resident 15 <\/span>Year-old.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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